Expression:

I really am bad at expressing myself. Sort of a post-thought from retreat. I know this is one of my many weaknesses... or actually may contribute to my many weaknesses. I just choose not to communicate the condition of my heart so often because I do not know how. Verbally, especially. But also, through touch. As weird as that is, I find it difficult to use physical contact as a way of communicating something... anything deeper than a hand shake. I realize, the more I think about it, that being stoic isn't a quality that I would admire. It doesn't seem to accomplish much.

If I am going to share life with others, that would require me to express my life. One thing that I hope has been helping me is my self expression through drawing. While I have no talent, I am finding that I can spill my soul onto a canvas... or rather, a digital canvas. I guess that's good. As Farrell taught me, there is something beautiful about the process of creation and something intrinsic in us that makes us creative. Examples- God's Creation, Jesus' creativity. Being the non-creative engineer that I am, it's hard for me to embrace the concept. It can only be my hope that I can uncensor myself and spit whatever artistic ability I have onto my screen.

Tonight's drawing is from the retreat and happens to be on paper. Maybe I'll have it handy and you can ask to see it. So in conclusion: Life is our adventure. Take my hand. Let's go.

Winner:

I possibly could check off something from my 43things. Tonight proves that I am the best at wasting time. The list of time wasting activities that I partook in tonight is too extensive to put on here.

This afternoon while Andy and the LARC department were carving pumpkins by Hornbake, I thought to myself, "hmm, I need to get a knife" (since I lost my old one, not because I need two).

Great, now I just spent the past half hour looking at different SAKs...
I've always wanted a one hand blade.

Understand:

Thoughts?

Illadvised:

I am going against my own advice and posting like a maniac. But I couldn't help but waste some time and make one of these. I usually don't aspire to do too much with my future because I like to live in the present, but I found this exercise very helpful by making me think beyond the exam and homework assignments of this week. Plus that's some seriously cool programming on that site. Pretty genious.

Trinity:

Just a thing I've been thinking of recently. I haven't heard many people talk about it, so I don't really know if it's a valid topic at all, but I'll try to explain what is going on in my head.

Often times when we are evaluating each other's spiritual walks, we talk about spiritual gifts that we have. We are all unique and play a different role in the Body of Christ. But lately I've been thinking that my 'spiritual personality' may be because of my sensitivity to the Trinity. What the --- is that supposed to mean? Well there are the three faces of God that we address- Father, Jesus, and Spirit. All one in the same, I believe, but there's too much theological stuff behind the concept to really go into depth here. Flashback...

Fall retreat freshman year, I was praying with someone and I suddenly realized that I was praying that the Spirit would be present in the room. "What does that mean?" I thought. I began to understand, soon after, that the role of the Holy Spirit in my life was something that I barely understood. And since then, it has been quite a learning experience... exploring what it is and letting it act in my life.

So, I think my sensitivity to the Holy Spirit is on a lower level than my sensitivity to the Father or to Jesus. Hmm, this is really hard to explain because it involves separating the Trinity which is typically frowned upon. But anyway, here is an illustration of where I think I am:


Maybe I'm just being blasphemous, but that's just how my response to God is quite often. Maybe this is a good self evaluation that's telling me where I need to grow in.

Unoriginal:

I'm not very free spirited so I just copy off of other people...
Things I'd like to do:
-Go to Europe
-Live in Africa
-Save someone's life
-Fly kites with my friends
-Go to the top of Byrd
-Drag a quarter mile in 15 seconds

Fall:

Fall!

Truth:

Not lying. Will not.

Discipline:

Alright. I will finish this post all the way through, I promise. It's just that I prefer blogging just before I go to bed... and I actually write while in bed, so those conditions have me falling asleep just as I click the "Publish Post" button.

School just seems to be calling for more effort. And I just feel like I need to discipline. What is discipline, though? According to Proverbs and Jeremiah and Hebrews, it has a lot to do with the way God is the Father... the Good Father. A biblegateway search shows the word usually in the context of God parenting us so that we grow up to be strong and healthy. How does that apply to me? I think I click with Hebrews best:

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:11

I don't know how righteousness and peace will result from me being better trained in studying, but I sure like the sound of it. Righteousness and peace... yum.

(Note to self: future post concerning the Trinity... no, it's not going to be theologically intensive)

Rescue:

So parts of this weekend I felt like I was sleeping and laying around a lot, and that I was wasting my life away. But not so when I think about some of the things I got to do. Overall, I would say this was a superb weekend.

Last night/early this morning, LÄFANANJJ and I went to see RHPS at the Hoff. It was... interesting. I tried to stay open minded and think like Farrell. Who are these people and why are they doing these things? What drives people to come and be excited about this kind of production? Something so extreme and so, seemingly, out there. I certainly don't have answers or conclusions, but atleast last night made me aware that such a subculture does exist.


I like the color blue. I think it has to do with my personality.

What does it mean to be rescued? Random, I know. But it must be a thought dwelling in my subconcious because my hand formed the initial shapes without my mind thinking about it.

Rescue implies pursuit. I know, usually this train of thought goes into the 'epic realm'. Choose your own epic movie and pull that scene where the hero battles off hundreds of enemies to save someone. Sure life is an adventure, but I don't think it's necessary for me to go into the dramatic. So...
Rescue implies pursuit. Other elements- danger, following, drive, passion, etc... Doh, I am quickly fading. That's as far as my thought processes go. Good night.

Ponder:

No explanation from me. Not now, not yet.

Splatter:

When I think about it, today has to be one of the better days I've had in a while. Just very content with what I have in front of me, and very excited about what is being planned ahead. Though I'm not sure how I am supposed to conjure up all this extra time to do these fun things. Things include:
1. Trip out to Appalachain Rocks out in western MD. A bit of a hike and then a lot of rock climbing.
2. Nerf gun game. It's a $10 one time buy in (for a nerf gun that you get to keep and play with!) for something that hopefully will catch on. There are all sorts of games we can organize with all kinds of factors. One example- Terrorists start outside and must assault the house (use of any 3 entrances: front, kitchen, basement door), plant and activate the bomb in a far away room (jeff's room, hit his alarm), and lastly hold the room for 2 minutes without the defending team deactivating the bomb. All this in pitch dark, where each person has their choice of flashlight. Exhilirating! All are invited by the way, no prior experience necessary.
3. Thanksgiving dinner. Still in the works, but I love the idea of being one big family. The talk about food and the possibility of a kiddie table with the lovely ladies of 2301 has me totally psyched. Also, as a family gathering I think it would be a great time of just loving on each other (a stress free, yet organized event).

Tonight's sky is beautiful. I cannot find a way to do it justice. I can only throw some digital paint on a digital canvas to try and grasp the colors (and display absolutely no depth):

Walking across campus, breathing the cool fall air. Laying in the bed of Andy's truck going 40 mph with the lines of tree branches flying by in your peripheral vision, but the the moon and clouds sitting perfectly still. Coming off of the excitement that is Maryland Madness. This is how God reminds me to never complain.

Ache:

I'm not sure what to say about today... other than the fact that I have been carrying around a minor headache with me since noonish. A lot of things happened throughout the day, but I am not really thinking of anything that is worth writing about. That is, extremely out of the ordinary.

I thought I blogged a lot. Not so compared to some people apparently. I mean, I could write a lot more, a lot more often (as in, ever second of class) but I try to exhibit some self restraint in my blogging. I can't give details exactly why that is. I don't know. Anyway, I do find it worth mentioning... some people, lots of blogging.

I really want to draw, but I know that with this headache it's just going to suck. So I won't be wasting my time. Good night, moon.

Late:

It is entirely way too late for me to be up. Just a couple of quick items though.
- I really love hanging out. Not necessarily having to do anything, but just being alive and with friends.
- Starlight. Isn't that an amazing concept? Take a moment to consider it.
- I always forget how much I enjoy gospel happy hour. That's what blogs are for, I guess.
- Really guys, pace yourself on the stalking... otherwise you burn out. Take it from an expert.

HAHAHA:

Ooooh man, this is hilarious how one comment can spread.

http://dannaluv.blogspot.com/2005/10/t-found-fountain-of-youth.html

I'm famous!

Blogosphere:

I was going to post a bit about the slightly strange meeting of bloggers tonight, but that's already been taken care of. I was going to mention somewhere in the conversation something about reported incidents of people being kidnapped and people who have gone missing due to them falling into traps. You know, setting up a meeting over the internet and the person isn't who they say they are. But I didn't mention anything because Tony had spoken about taking risks in part of his talk :)

Gosh darn it. I just spent the past half hour trying to draw something abstract to express something, but it ended up not being abstract at all. So I guess you've been deprived of another 'art-if-you-can-call-it-that' posting. Another time kids, another time.

Boom:

Just a quick post before I GDTB. So in case you didn't hear, there's been a pretty strong odor outside of our front lawn. There was a really bad natural gas leak on the public line apparently. We called the company and they came out and said it was fine and someone will fix it in the upcoming months. Later Saturday night, the smell was worse and we could hear the gas gurgling up out of our lawn. The same guy came out again and said it was okay... even though the air in that area of the lawn was 84% natural gas. He said it wasn't too big of a deal and someone would fix it within a couple of months because it wasn't of high priority. Today the gas company came out with a truck and worked on it all day. The two workers said that if this sort of leak MUST be taken care of the day it is discovered. According to the manual the original worker was using, he was supposed to immediately shut off the gas and labeled the case as an EMERGENCY.

So they fixed it tonight, which is a good thing. Apparently, there was enough gas to blow up the entire right side of the house and driveway, and mostly destroy the rest of the house and the next door neighbor's. Maybe a cigarette or a random spark from something rubbing up against the pavement could have incinerated us all. So that's my 'huh' for the week. Just thought I'd throw that out there. And for now, it's go time.

Stimulate:

Parts of this weekend have been relatively blah. Overall it was good. I can't complain about too much. This week is going to straight up suck with the three exams (one which will be impossible) I must take.

Tonight I found Cdigix. It's pretty neat for my uses. I don't think I'll ever need to port music away from my laptop so the free downloading works out well for me. So next to being creatively stimulated through music, I have also tried to draw... since I haven't done any in a while.

Again, a messed up perspective and no depth. I don't have the artistic ability to see or create those things. Anyway, it's supposed to be a guy horizontal on an outward incline (15 degrees), doing a one armed hang and a flagged left foot. Whatever.

Too bad there's no substance in this post, but it's sleep time so you'll have to wait till another time.

Crash:

Like whoa... that was insanely intense! It turns out that the boys had a movie night (maybe because all the girls where having their own) and we rented Crash. Awesome movie that is straight up bold with the topic that it addresses. I'd highly recommend it, just prepare your mind and emotions to be set into overdrive. Now I don't know if I hate human beings or love them. Oh well... there's a lot of that movie I would like to sleep on.

Speaking of sleep, I haven't gotten much recently and will be getting about 5 hours tonight. Please ignore me if I have been or am irritable. I want to draw, but I can't sacrifice any more sleep time. I suppose I had enough creative expression for today done on my hand. Fine then. Good night.

Sky:

This evening I stayed on campus in hopes of relaxing and watching the sunset sky from McKeldin Mall. I also tried to make a point of taking it in so I could hopefully paint it. But my intentional art never works out. Indeed, it did end up looking more like a beach. I think I have become more and more obsessed... or rather, just more and more in need of creative self expression because engineering completely sucks any expressive energies out of me. Speaking of creative self expression, we're complete tards. Ryan and I went around and serenaded the housemates with ridiculous songs we made up. What a bunch of freaking weirdos.

Random: the past couple of days, I've noticed that some people interject odd phrases or ideas solely for shock effect. No genuineness or purpose to the words. Just an effect... probably to grab attention. Doesn't that seem a bit self centered and foolish? There are times when it's fun and everything, but often it bugs me that people will use words in that way.

More randomness: It took me a while to settle down to enjoy the evening. A lot of the good spots were not available. There seems to be a bug problem around the West Chapel Courtyard area. How gross and disappointing.

Voice:

Random ND-esk drawing:

Though I have no voice, may my life song sing to You.

Despite my sickness, I learned about a part of musical worship that I hadn't experienced before really. I clearly couldn't sing with the condition of my throat. Around the second song, I remembered Julie expressing to me the difficulty of going to Large Group and not being able to participate in that way. While the two conditions are pretty much nothing alike and no where near of the same scale, I feel like I could understand what she meant a bit better. But at the same time, I was challenged to explore the definition of worship... some lyrics come to mind:

When the music fades and all is stripped away

What is the heart of worship? The condition of my heart could use some work. A lot of it has to do with discontentness I think. Whaev.

More randomness: I have the sudden urge to live in an African tribe for a day.

Flake:

In light of Änna's comment, I tried to draw something geometric tonight. For the life of me, I can't seem to come up with anything. I sketched for two hours while I kept Andy company in his studio, and I couldn't conceptualize anything geometric at all. Instead, I drew this.

It could definitely use some more depth. And some leaves, but I was too scared to adventure into the realm of leaf drawing.

I was considering what a fall night looks like. A lot of clearity. The air is crisp and slightly cool, the stars seem like they're at arms length, and everything is still. The darkness and the shapes would usually be frightening, but emptiness of the area surrounding you is instead calming.

Today at the climbing wall, JJ's "Flake" came on the radio (which they usually have blasting out there). It just made for a great time of power climbing and relaxing to some mellow music. I looked up the lyrics tonight to find out what the song was actually saying...
And often times we're lazy
It seems to stand in my way
Cause no one no not no one
Likes to be let down

I hope to be a non-flakey person.

Secret:

Yes, this reflection will in fact be about 13 going on 30. While I typically have a strong distaste for chick flicks, this one I found quite enjoyable. I think it was because I could empathize with some of the characters, or could pick out personalities in the movie that resembled people in my life. I'm not going to go into it much, but I do have a few things to say about the main characters.

(::note:: spoilers about the movie below)
What was it about Matt? I think he was described as being "too nice" which could be part of it. Nice and sweet. And he was sometimes the underdog so you had to cheer for him. The thing that stood out to me was that he was very true to himself. He had so many opportunities to take advantage of Jenna's confusion, but he was faithful to her and to his principles. He didn't let the world change him over the 17 years. And he was faithful to his fiance even though his heart was torn. I'm not really sure. I can't defend his decision given the final exchange, but for some reason I found his actions admirable.

I feel like a lot of the situation is nonapplicable, though. First of all, it's not everyday that a beautiful woman who has it all pursues you. Not to mention, an extremely niave woman. And as a result, it's not everyday that one gets the opportunity to prove one's self like he did. Sticking to his guns, but stepping outside of his box to care for her (ex. the thriller dance). I suppose that is rather applicable. Oh well. Now I'm just babbling and providing contradictory evidence for my arguments.